Friday, October 21, 2005

A National Emergency

When it comes to clothing, it seems that these days, less is more. The average parent, and indeed, the average reasonably sane person over the age of eighteen, find themselves baffled by this puzzling phenomenon. High-profile teenybopper clothing manufacturers such as Abercrombie and Fitch rake in multibillion dollars in annual clothing sales through the use of catalogues which feature -- rather counterproductively, one would think -- naked people. A $120 price tag accompanies what is ostensibly a bathing suit but more closely resembles two polka-dotted shoelaces trailing from a very expensive spandex napkin. A single article of clothing seems to serve multiple functions: is it a miniskirt, a tube top, or an ultra-chic 80's-style sweatband? You decide!

One is compelled to wonder, when navigating the aisles of the juniors' department of your friendly neighborhood local department store -- is there an urgent national fabric shortage, shielded from the eyes of the public by a vast right-wing conspiracy? And if so, what can we do to help clothe these poor American teenagers?

Clearly, the predicament is a portentous one. Flaunting belly button rings and blubber alike, teen girls cavort in public wearing transparent lacy garments which, two hundred years ago, would have made Hester Prynne blush. One is tempted to mass-produce iron-on scarlet "A"'s to accompany these so-called "shirts", but it is highly doubtful whether they even boast material enough to accomodate such an accessory.

Skirts, too, have become as superfluous as Queen Elizabeth II, and as a whole, seem to be designed to best accentuate the wearer's pallor, cellulite and other such charming figure flaws. It seems that teen girls today must either have mastered the art of never bending, stretching, kneeling, crossing their legs, or sitting, or must have an inexplicable fascination with exhibitionism.

Shopping for a formal dress unveils further evidence for the fabric drought; those designed for teenage girls are currently strapless, backless, and frontless. As one might guess, these don't stay on very well, and duct tape is recommended to avoid unfortunate accidents.

In the wake of this newly-released data, it is clear that we will soon have a national crisis on our hands if something is not done about this dilemma, and quickly too. Teenage girls all over the country are at daily risk of death by exposure, or even by asphyxiation, for if today's jeans get any tighter, they threaten to seriously impede a growing girl's oxygen intake.

One can only decipher the mysterious glittery screen-printing on their clothing as a tragic and desperate cry for help. So the next time you see a blonde in cheer shorts with "HOT" loudly proclaimed in sequins across her derriere, just remember to have a little compassion. It clearly is an acronym for "Help Our Teenagers".

Write your local congressman today to see what you can do to help combat the Great American Clothing Crisis!